Reflecting...

I've been reflecting a lot the past two days.

Writing has given me an option to escape reality and pursue a world in which I control every aspect of, but in the end when I stop writing and lean back against the wall, I'm still back at square one.

I'm a failure.

I look back on the ways I've managed my relationships with members in the family and I realize I've neglected too much, acted too selfishly. I don't call them often, I tend to ignore their calls just because I'm not in the mood to talk. Even though picking up and saying "I don't want to talk," is being just as much of an a$* as not picking up at all, at least I gave them a response. At least I picked up.

I look back on the ways I've managed my relationship with my friends and I've realized I really pay too much heart and attention to them. I know it's mostly because I'm lonely that I seek out my friends too much, always hoping they will be there and because of this I tend to neglect my family. To me, friends are also a route of escape. Perhaps I make them out to be more important than they should be in my life. I shouldn't just revolve around my friends, no matter how close they are to me, because it burdens the both of us.

I sit around in my room and stare at nothing. Hoping for something. But I can't just sit and hope without striving for it.

I inspect my work and despise it, wondering why I'm so terrible at everything I do. But I can't just keep hating myself and my work, because then I will never be able to actually improve and do better.

I have to want to do better, otherwise I'll always stay at square one.

Why can't I be more independent? Why can't I be more useful? Why can't I care less about some and more about others? Because I'm a failure. I'm going to change that.

It Can't Go Cold

Taking a sip out of my already cold coffee, I realized it had turned so bitter it was hard to bear. But the contents of the coffee hadn't changed in the least, it was only the temperature of the coffee that altered it's taste. Why was that so?

I realized soon after that life was a lot like my cup of coffee. Life always starts out like freshly brewed coffee; it's hot, it's hard to intake and there are a lot of things you have to get used to. Then slowly the cup of coffee warms to it's best taste, things in life start getting easier, tastier, a lot more enjoyable. Lastly it turns cold; you lost interest, everything becomes hard and heavy and life is just bitter. How do we attempt at keeping it warm forever?

We don't. There is no way to do so. Not with friendship, not with love. Life will always turn cold on us, no matter how much we wish it wouldn't. I choose to accept. I try, of course I try, to maintain the warmth of it, but if it doesn't work then it just wasn't meant to be.

I've finally come to understand this. The sparks between two people always start out enticing. It's only because you don't understand them well and make a mission to get to know them. After you start thoroughly understanding them, you either learn that you like them or you don't. Perhaps I once found in some people aspects that I appreciated, but now I've seen through it. We are all different in the end and that's unchangeable. I only wish it lasted a little longer.

I'm a selfish person like that. It's not hard to notice that I turn my back on people easily and quickly. I don't call myself cold-hearted only because I took the time to try and understand. I call myself rational because I know that I have analyzed the situation from start to finish. Maybe I'm too rational, too idealistic. Maybe I'm just useless and stupid. In the end, I'm just me. Sadly.

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Realization - An Epiphany? Nah.

I was forced out of bed and to the deadly shopping plaza today. Being surrounded by purses, makeup, clothes, shoes and toxic perfume, there really was no escape for me. I was doomed. Looking around, I noticed that there were so many different types of people in this world; different looks, different ages, and different actions, but taking a second look, it seemed as if they were all just the same.

Old woman and young woman; they sorted through the same clothes, the same makeup, the same shoes and the same perfume. Men accompanied their other halves, following them around and holding their bags. When they were excited, they'd call over either their friends, lover, or their parents and describe how attractive they found something to be. Even when they were tired, the men would still smile and tell the girls how beautiful something would look on them.

Attraction. Attraction really does a lot to some people, especially when it comes to idolization.

Some people become violent and possessive of who attracts them. Others just watch from a far corner and support whoever attracts them.

To be honest, a lot of times I think that the idol brings this upon themselves. You can't tease and just get away with it, it doesn't work that way. Don't promise your fans that you'll always be there for them, don't tell your fans that you love them, don't let your fans think that you belong to them. If you do so, then they will think so. Therefore, when they threaten to kill your love interest, or protest against something you do, or even claim that you are theirs and theirs alone, you have no right to complain.



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Nostalgic

I spent a good 4 hours, approximately, webcaming with Karin and Nyx today. The moment the cam turned on and I saw the two of them sitting in the same room after nearly half a year of not seeing them, it was extremely nostalgic. Neither of them had changed too much, aside from maturing in their own feminine ways, and I appreciated that.

Too often people change; some for the better and others for the worse. The three of us become idiots and dorks when we're together, talking on for hours about nothing and everything. We laugh at each other, insult each other, praise each other, encourage each other in so many lovely ways. It's amazing how much we compliment each other (not with words) so naturally.

It's been nearly seven years since we first met and it's been nearly half a year since we last met. I only hope that we can maintain this friendship exactly the same as it is now over the years. Through college we'll be needing each others cheering on, throughout life we'll needing each other to just be there. What's a life with Karin and Nyx? I really don't know. (Although Nyx has been absent in my life quite a bit lately. XD)

Of course, it's not as if I can't live without them. That's the truth, even without them life will continue to go on. But it would be SO MUCH better with them in my life, wouldn't it? To have friends that love each other so much, it almost seems like a blessing. (But I'm not religious, so it's really not a blessing.) It's hard to find a friendship like ours.

Anyhow, the four hours we spent together were great. We laughed and joked and made the most out of it. Even though we prevented Karin from studying, she agrees it was some-what worth it!

I only hope we can have more days like these in the future.

<3 rssj1314

Why? Why?! WHY?!

This is gonna be my immature rant of the day.

Someone please tell me why Rainie is being paired up with Wu Chun and Super Junior [Siwon and Donghae] is being paired up with Ariel Lin? Why?!

Why couldn't they switch partners? Wouldn't that be perfect? We can satisfy the desires of Wu Chun x Ariel shippers [from Tokyo Juliet] AND we can have a fresh new pairing - Rainie x SuJu!

I really don't have anything against Wu Chun or Ariel Lin, they are both good looking and cute, respectively, and both have great talents! But I would seriously like to see a collaboration between Rainie and SuJu [Kyuhyun specifically]. Even though Kyuhyun won't be acting in Extravagant Challange [a.k.a. Skip Beat], being able to act with SuJu is still one step closer! Or maybe I should just take this as a "SuJu is slowly creeping into the Taiwan acting market, maybe one day Kyuhyun can end up acting with Rainie. Ariel Lin was just a starter!" Though I really doubt it.


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Ratin' Along

My two Besties both ranted on the eyes of society on people like us. Their criticisms have made all three of us angry, their words have pained all three of us in nearly the same ways and their careless words have made some of us cry. I say us because my Besties and I are so alike we should be considered one.

It's true, criticism hurts my esteem. That should seem impossible because I have nearly none of it to begin with, but it happens. But I seem to take it in a different way. No doubt, I still get angry and hate the things that they say or do to prove to me that they are in one way or another unsatisfied with the way I am, but I scold myself for it. Why can't I meet the expectations that they hold for me?

They expect me to be smart. I should be smart.

They expect me to be skinny and beautiful. I should be skinny and beautiful.

They expect me to be near perfect because I have always been the good child. I should be nearly perfect because I have always been the good child.

But I'm not.

They won't take that as an answer. They will only continue to criticize and question why we don't meet their expectations. We can only prove to them that they are wrong.

We are smart. We will be beautiful. We may not be perfect, but we sure as hell will try our best to make the most out of ourselves. Why? Not only are we doing this to prove to those who criticize us that they are wrong, but we are doing this to make ourselves better. We are going to prove ourselves.

They only see what's on the outside. They only know how to ask for more.
But Nyx and Karin, we know what we have on the inside. We know each other far better than those who like to talk useless trash to us. We are here for each other and we will work together to prove those idiots that they are wrong~!

With you two, the three of us can do anything!

<3 rssj1314